Sweat & Smiles: Learning to Step off Treadmill Race
By Melissa Romano on September 19, 2020 from Sweat & Smiles
You know what is hard? Admitting when you are wrong.
Admitting you don’t know something. Focusing on what you are bringing to a relationship, an argument, the energy of the atmosphere. You know what is easier and more popular? Telling someone else they are wrong. Explaining something you know to someone who doesn’t. Focusing on what someone else needs to bring to the table, communication, the energy of the atmosphere. In the Redefining Healthy Initiative, a six week group coaching program, we call this ‘The External Expert’, its a mind trap we all have a tendency to fall into and a very popular defense mechanism. It’s also cultivating righteousness, comparison, perfectionism, resentment, and stress.
I often refer to the way we are living with a treadmill analogy. Maybe it’s the years of personal fitness training, maybe it’s the personal disdain for running without physically getting anywhere, regardless you’re on a treadmill race heading nowhere. This race leaves you running after the feel good feelings and running from your pain and discomfort. It’s exhausting. Mind traps are thought ruts that you get caught in and hold you mentally captive… running to nowhere. Identifying these thought patterns is the first step towards stepping off the treadmill race. As you become mindful you shift your focus and choose your thoughts more wisely.
The primary function of mindfulness is self-study, getting to know yourself, observing your tendencies so you can break free. Recognizing how easily we all fall into the role of the external expert, a thought rut holding you captive, is actually quite freeing.
The external expert is a popular defense mechanism because focusing on everyone else seems so much easier than focusing on yourself. The problem is, you never get anywhere. The funny thing about being the external expert, it usually has more to do with you than the other person. When you are being overly critical of another person, imagine there is a giant mirror in front of them and who you are being critical of is your own reflection. Speaking from my own experience, I have never been overly critical of another person while I was feeling good and centered in myself. It’s okay. You are human. I am human.
We often attempt to feel better about ourselves by comparison of others. It just never actually works. This pride and defensiveness not only undermines your relationships with others it undermines your relationship with yourself. This pride and defensiveness not only makes it difficult to admit fault and resolve conflicts it blocks you from committing to and resolving things within yourself. When it does come down to wanting others to change, there is only one thing to do: show them. At best, at the very best case scenario, when it comes to others you have influence. Most humans are not deeply influenced by someone else telling them what to do. Most humans are influenced by seeing someone else do it.
Either way the focus and work comes back to you. As you move through your life, especially in this high conflict time, release yourself from the external expert. Practice humility by bringing your awareness back to yourself. Ask yourself what about the person, place, experience provokes your spirit and inner dialogue. Once you bring your awareness back to yourself you’ll know exactly what to do next for you. Once you bring your awareness back to yourself you’ll move into a better relationship with your mind that is more intimate, non-judgmental, understanding, loving and compassionate. This will spill over into all other relationships creating a chain reaction to all those around you.
Releasing the external expert helps us not to our own personalities or the personalities of others quite so personally. As you shift your focus and choose your thoughts more wisely you just might find you experience all those things you’ve been exhaustively chasing after.
With love,
Melissa
Leave a Comment
Log in or create an account to post a comment.